On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
