My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
