eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
