This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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