I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
