i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
