My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
