I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
