Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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