I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's the barista slut.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
