so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
