Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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