I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
