And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
