just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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