Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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