Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(315): View more from New York

Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(316): View more from Kansas

Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.

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(386): View more from Florida

Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.

(904): View more from Florida

You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot

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(718): View more from New York

this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.

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