the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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