im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
