Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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