Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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