I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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