So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
