im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
