Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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