i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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