There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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