Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
