we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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