dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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