The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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