i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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