Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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