I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
