Sorry, I don't speak sober.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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