take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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