Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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