but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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