so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
