: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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