when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
