just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
