your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
