Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Sorry my hands just texted you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
