Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
