remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
