Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
