apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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