i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
