That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize