well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize