I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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