I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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