he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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