i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
