I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
