so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize