you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
