Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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