I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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